The other asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call? If that's your wish. You scared me half to death, girl!
Stock up on beer. Nasty Ecards. We have sexy gay birthday cards and messages that feature '50s style graphics with eye-popping captions that are as profane as they are profusely funny. All Rights Reserved. The other asked, "Where have you been all this time? Well, it was kind of embarrassing. Stop dating losers who are obsessed with zombies on eHarmony.
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The other asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call? If that's your wish. You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug! A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. It's about having a good year! My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper. My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions. I have only one resolution: To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have!
What's the problem with jogging on New Year's Eve? The ice falling from your drink and not hens and cocks in hand. Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the butts. Funny Gerbil : Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat, or they'll flush me! Bite that freak who gives me that shot every year.
Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December Re-live victory over the sock. Find out if the garbage collector is stealing our stuff. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it leave the human's hand. Happy Gnu Year! Sigh, all aboard for a happy New Year! So far this has been great! I haven't gossiped about my friends. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, cruel, or rude.
I'm very thankful. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help to get through the New Year. On New Year's Eve , Patty stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death. Jenna was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Dave, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present.
What do you think it all means? At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Dave approached Jenna and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a funny book entitled "The meaning of dreams. Prepare for S.
Figure out why supermodels don't want to date plain, bald men as the media has led me to believe. Vamp up that eHarmony profile with some spiffy pics of ex-girlfriends half cut off in every profile picture. That's attractive, right? Mention in eHarmony how I'm a great date and can zap a zombie. Wear all the shoes I have bought! I don't even drink on the New Year! I can't stand the taste of alcohol-Kim Kardashian. I get half a million just to show up at parties.
My life is, like, really, really fun-Paris Hilton. All of us every single year, we're a different person. I don't think we're the same person all our lives-Steven Spielberg. Perfect cards for my sister's birthday! Thanks again, NobleWorks! FAQ Wholesale. Funny New Year's Jokes. Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family. Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad! My New Year's resolution is p I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.
This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess. People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow. Resolutions for Pets Jokes for the Elderly God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference. Dieting Resolutions I will get my weight down below pounds.
Top 10 Resolutions for Teens Realize that sexy vampires werewolves don't exist no matter how much I want them to. Goodbye duckface, hello sparrow mouth! Get dressed before noon. Less Twitter more Facebook! Talk on my phone less. In the bathroom. Prepare for zombies.
Prepare for dating in a zombie world. Learn to drive. Learn to drive on roads filled with zombies. Top 10 Resolutions for Men Find out why all my clothes have shrank. Read that book, "Stop Procrastinating" that I bought three years ago.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse. Prepare for dating supermodels in the zombie apocalypse it could happen, right? Stock up on beer. Stock up on condoms just in case! Get a job. Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Women Get some better outfits. Hit the gym for real this year. Cut back on lattes. Take charge. Travel more! Believe in myself.
Screen the freaks on my online dating profile. Stop dating losers who are obsessed with zombies on eHarmony.